There are times when we find ourselveson colder than usual morningsand the summer is supposedly on its way. But where’s the sun? And there are times when we findourselves in front of the windowand watching the rain as it drizzles,because plans changedwhen the sky became gray,and … | Continue reading
This one . . . , , , this one right herecomes from the deepest place in my heartand as for you,this one is for you,and me too. I go back to a morning after a long night, which took place at a time when everything in my life was in the midst of a […] | Continue reading
You have to laugh.You have to laugh, like, as if this is your main priority because like a muscle that is not used, or like a sun that is not seen, you can lose sight of its beautyor lose your sense of humor,or like an atrophy, you can lose strength or dexterity, or worse, you [… … | Continue reading
There is something about your smile, Intoxicating, yes, Of course I agree. But more, there is something mesmerizing, or maybe revitalizing is a better word, or even reassuring is a word that make sense to me because after all, what’s in a smile?The answer:More than you know But p … | Continue reading
Yes,I want to walk and run and breathe in the airand play or live in the moment.Wait, no.I want to live for the momentand be about this,instead of simply“talking” about it. “Let’s just do it!”Right? Okay then,here’s what I’d like I want the morning to be like that first day we ha … | Continue reading
I know that the world is a good place.And I know that life could be better.I know that not all things work out the way we’d like them to.But I also know that deep down, somehow, there has to be a reason and there has to some kind of passionor purpose for all that’s gone […] | Continue reading
I remember him now with the wind in his hair, the sun was high, like it is on a mid-August day, and the winds were warm, or warm as ever because of the warmth in my heart. The sky was clear, and I was nothing more than a little boy, wading in the waterand knee-deep […] | Continue reading
There is nothing like a Mother’s loveThere is nothing as strong or as ongoing, or unconditional, or so it should be, at least in the right life or during the right circumstancesof course. Mother, as in all directing, as in always connecting, always thinking and always looking to … | Continue reading
I have seen the sun come through the cloudswhen the sky is otherwise rainyand yes, I have seen light shine where otherwise there would be no other way to see light or to witness the shine. And yes, I have been to bad places or seen darker times and even still, somehow, I have fou … | Continue reading
It is raining in NYCBut, I don’t mind.Not at all. I don’t mind the rain.I think it’s a good thing.I think it’s good that the rain comesAt least to, me. I think the rain softens the dustwhich complicate the daysand somehow, the rain comesand there is a hushto the world, like a lul … | Continue reading
I know that it’s easy to see . . . .It’s easy to see all of the things that can go wrong. It’s easier to find the problems,and often, it’s easier to note the problemsthan it is to find the solutions, and man . . .sometimes, it’s hard to see the sun because the clouds […] | Continue reading
Maybe the focus shouldn’t be on Chaos anymore.Maybe the focus should be on something else,or something newlike the first light of morning, or when the sky starts to change, and dawn begins to break;the birds are chirpingand the world is sleepy and quiet. I love these momentsbecau … | Continue reading
Now, here’s the reason, or perhaps I should saythis is another motivationbehind this journal. The mind is the real trick. This is how we lose to the different concepts of thought; in which case, we can literally think ourselves out of the best scenarios, at least I think so.And t … | Continue reading
Nothing comes the way they used to. And this is not to say about the way things are or how things have almost progressed into some mindless way, or how people seem to overlap or intersect, and yet; no one takes the time to noticeor to look up from their cell phoneand no one takes … | Continue reading
I have a question,which is plain and simple, really.it is direct as direct can beand although the answers might notbe as obviousor as easy;the question is really simple. How does this work?I think that this is a fair question.Don’t you?I think this question is fair to askand yes, … | Continue reading
I never had the chance to be young. You know?What I mean is,i missed out on things that are importantor part of youth because somehow,i was trickedor robbed in away that I believed in the inaccuracies and the varying conceptsof love,or the lack thereof. I never had a prom or the … | Continue reading
Ah the process of you,Overthinking,and the wonders you work.I have heard it said that the mindis a terrible thing to waste,to which I say, yes,I agree.It’s true. I also agree that time is a terrible thing to wasteand so is our misused energyor the passion we loseor the moments we … | Continue reading
Ah the self-inflicted dramaor the self-induced problems,which you’ve sworn off a hundred times, and still,you find yourself encountering the same thingsfor the same reasons and, of course,someone always comes alongto remind you about the definitionof insanity which is doing the s … | Continue reading
Do you want to know this part? Okay, fine. There is a sound that never goes away or noises that you never forget, like say the sound of handcuffs as they clasp around your wrist or the sound of a cell door as it rolls shut. Trust me.And trust that as crazy as this sounds,and […] | Continue reading
If you know, then you’ll know. And if you really know, then none of this will come as a shock or a surprise to you. But if you don’t know or if you won’t know then maybe you can’t know. Maybe this is impossible for you to grab the conceptof a life like thisBut maybe […] | Continue reading
Talk about chaos . . .there is none like the ones you seewhen swirling lightsflash aroundor sirens comeor you see someone you loveas they’re lifted into an ambulanceand taken away. There is no chaos in your heartor disorder like the confusion you feelwhen sitting in a waiting roo … | Continue reading
Anger . . .What better way to express chaosor what better way to self-destructor to explode or implodeor do be more defined;what better way is there to lose controlby trying to controlthe uncontrollable? And it’s blinding,you know?You do thingsthat you’d swear you’d never do,if y … | Continue reading
I admit this might be a bit much, but, to be clearthe title of this journalis called The Book of Chaosand so . . in fairness to the topic, yesI think that both love and lustand the interchangeablenessof the two can be enough to drive anyone crazy. And, so . . . Yes, sure.I am […] | Continue reading
More than anything else in this world, I just want to be good. I want to “be” someone, you know?I want to mean somethingto someone and more than this,I want to be beautiful. I want to be pure like a child when they see something new or when a child plays or laughs or smiles, […] | Continue reading
I was thinking about the lyrics from a song, which say so much when it comes to matters of the heart or love, or about the way we mess up or ruin love or ruin the best things we have. I stand here, guilty as changedand convicted, equally and dually notedand sentenced. The questio … | Continue reading
Sometimes . . . .I suppose it should be enough to just sit still, you know As in to sit quietly and just listen to the emptiness of nothing or to be someplace, like, say by the side of a lake somewhere which is a real place to meoff Seven Lakes Drive, which is up […] | Continue reading
As it is, the world is a crazy place. Therefore, as it is,we all need to find a place,or a refuge of some sort,or way, a means to an end, or to find some kind of balance,in an unbalanced world,which is why I am here. This is my art.And this is my inspiration.This is all […] | Continue reading
What is chaos anyway?Let’s start this off with a basic definitionChaos, what is it?Well, the dictionary saysit’s a state of confusion or wild disorder.At least, this is what the dictionary tells me. I think this goes further though, and yes, I think that a state of confusion or w … | Continue reading
It goes this way. Life, I mean. And there are times which come without reason or without any sort of explanation. And there are times when we freak our or lose our coolor in my case, I lose my head, and yes, we do things that are against our best interest. And we know this […] | Continue reading
The question to you, Mr. Chaos is simple.The question becomes what have you done for me?What have I lost on your behalf and where has this led me? where have you taken me,besides to you, and either constantly or consistently and somehow or persistently, and for the record;I am su … | Continue reading
Are you ready for a little bit of honesty . . .I am as imperfect as anyone else in this world.I’m crazy too,or mad as any madman. or worseI am equally as desperate and afraid that yes, somehow, I missed my ride, and now, I’ll miss the show or I’ll miss my chanceto see the […] | Continue reading
And so, what was became what is and quickly too, and more, this happened faster than I knew it. And just like that, in the blink of an eye, a temporary burden became factand permanent because of an unfortunateforce, which I callthe deception of my perception. But this is where he … | Continue reading
This is for the kid who is misguided somehow or tricked, just like I wasor fooled into thinking that something about them is faulty or wrongor mis-wired or otherwise imperfect. But the fact is no.You couldn’t be imperfect if you tried.Believe me. I will leave this here for youbut … | Continue reading
Good morning, my old friend Chaos. It’s me again,trying hard to find my way and trying harder to defy the ideas, which have consumed me for way too long. I find myself on the verge of another impasse or crossroads, or perhaps I am on the verge of another choice, or changeor decis … | Continue reading
1) It’s time to go back, or if anything, now is the time to get back to it, and by “it’, I mean the source of my thrill or the meaning behind my life. Now.There is nothing else and no one else, and waiting on “when” never seems to make anything happen, so . . […] | Continue reading
What is this?What is this thingin me? What are these ideas, which spin around in our mind, and how is it that they mutate or multiply, at least a thousand times, or more and then they drive us mador crazy or, they send us off or drive us away in different directions? And meanwhil … | Continue reading
I need to stop.I need to figure this out, somehow,or try to find a way to level the playing field,or if not, perhaps I can find a way toreverse the polarityor make a shift so the weight is less,and my leverage is betteror at minimum,the pain can be lessconsequential. I am not a m … | Continue reading
And if it were trueor if it was so,or if the facts were that yes,my insecurities were all realand that yes, my body was as I saw itor, that in my assumptions that at bestall I could be was awkward,then yes,naturally,I would assume that everyone saw methe same as I saw myself –ina … | Continue reading
Ah, Mr. Mathias.I knew you welland so did our old friend Mr. Chaos,I believe. You taught me well and you taught me that I knew morethan I thought. I never realized how powerful it could beto talk to someone,wholesomely or openly,or moreoverI never knew how healing the human touch … | Continue reading
Sometimes, music is the only thing that helps.You know?Chaos comes in like both,an expected unwanted guest, and just like old times, the heartbeat picks uplike pig meat before the slaughter and the mind moves too fastfor me to find peace. But the music helps. There are times when … | Continue reading
Yes, I’m aware that the book is never the same as the movie, or that life does not come with the so-called “CliffsNotes” or an abbreviated version to ease the study of one another, but yes, I get it. No one takes the time to read between the lines anymore, and nor would it seem [ … | Continue reading
There are nights when all is quiet and the moon comes through the blinds to leave a beam of moonlight with a bluish tint across the sheets on my bedor the whiteness on my face.The blanket is off of me, and then on,and then off again. I am up, of course, and awake as usual.I […] | Continue reading
Crazy? Sure, I’m crazy.Then again, what does it mean to be crazy?Am I crazy because I still want to believe?Is it crazy to want more?Am I doing the same things over and over again,and expecting a different result? But wait . . .that’s not crazy. That’s the definition of insanity, … | Continue reading
1) I want to leave it all out there.Do you know what I mean?I don’t want to ever hold back again, or be common or commonplace enough to be side-swiped by some mediocre lifeor to live in some basic or mundane existence where I find myself aimless or aimlessly walking around, like … | Continue reading
You look and you try. You wonder and you dream, and you imagine, and then perhaps you barter and you trade, you negotiate and often you compromise to find that “thing” which I have been telling you about. And you want this.You really do,You want to find this in whichever form or … | Continue reading
It is even more confusing to say that tomorrow is not a given, especially when we have so much depended on tomorrow, like a bet at the windowas if to bet on the 7 horse to win, place or show. Maybe tomorrow is not a given.Maybe there really isn’t anything elsebut right now . . [… … | Continue reading
I find that I am in a constant state of competition with myself, that is, which is not to saythat this is a race or that there is a first place,second, third, or last.No.This is more than just a physical match, but mental as well, and emotional and even educational to some degree … | Continue reading
I was listening to a soldier talk about an operation of violence. And yes, this was violent to the core. At the same time;this is war and hence violenceis nothing more than a necessary evil . . . just to survive. I heard the soldier talk about the action, the reason, and victory … | Continue reading