“The Arizona Supreme Court ruled Tuesday that a 160-year-old near-total abortion ban still on the books in the state is enforceable, a bombshell decision that adds the state to the growing lists of places where abortion care is effectively banned.” — NBC - - - 1. Property Statue … | Continue reading
Whaddup. It’s the flu your four-year-old brought home for spring break. Are you gonna let me in or what? You’re hoping I leave you alone? You booked a family trip to Wolf Lodge Water Park? The deposit is nonrefundable? Listen, I just KO’ed two dozen preschoolers like complimentar … | Continue reading
Callie Siskel’s Two Minds is neither minimalist nor maximalist, but the spareness and efficiency speak volumes—and sometimes speak in long lines, sometimes short—making an art of saying as little as possible, but crucially no less. What’s left out presses upon what remains, and w … | Continue reading
Millennials mill around a circle of chairs and a coffee station. They settle into seats and begin the weekly meeting of people whose friends have all moved to Los Angeles. This group is known as “We Have Yearning (for Those Who Moved to) Los Angeles” or WHYLA. FACILITATOR KERRY: … | Continue reading
My dearest one, my sweetheart, my everything, I call to you from the far right-hand side of the browser window. Well, not the far right-hand side, a little to the left of it, near the tab for “The Only Cheese Fondue Recipe You’ll Ever Need,” which is a white box with a red E in i … | Continue reading
A 2023 Column Contest grand-prize winner, Laurence Pevsner’s Sorry Not Sorry investigates why we’re sick of everyone apologizing all the time—and how the collapse of the public apology leaves little room for forgiveness and grace in our politics and culture. - - - Late last month … | Continue reading
Allium Cepa A homeopathic remedy used to treat symptoms of the common cold and allergies. It would also work nicely as the name of a kind, older woman in a YA dystopian novel who is deathly allergic to scientifically backed medicine. Arnica A homeopathic remedy used to treat musc … | Continue reading
You may have heard the news that high schoolers will have to take the SATs if they plan to attend college. The temporary break from standardized tests is over. The New York Times recently posted an interactive test featuring a few questions from the reading and writing section of … | Continue reading
- - - Swamp or bog? Guilt or shame? Club soda or sparkling water? From food to fashion, ethics to architecture, there are thousands of words and ideas that we tend to collapse, conflate, or confuse. For hairsplitters and language lovers, Tendency contributor Eli Burnstein’s Dicti … | Continue reading
From 2006 to 2016, Sarah Walker offered excellent and specific instructions for essential activities of everyday life, like bullfighting and performing tracheotomies. Thanks to her, our standards of living were improved by 100 percent. Today, to help celebrate our twenty-five (an … | Continue reading
From 2006 to 2016, Sarah Walker offered excellent and specific instructions for essential activities of everyday life, like bullfighting and performing tracheotomies. Thanks to her, our standards of living were improved by 100 percent. Today, to help celebrate our twenty-five (an … | Continue reading
For far too long, the streets of Gotham have been plagued by chaos. Crime never sleeps. Thugs hide in the shadows, waiting to strike like snakes. Never mind the capitalist structures that produce deep and devastating forms of poverty, forcing the desperate lower class to resort t … | Continue reading
Been There, Smelled That explores the aromas of places around the world. Travel writer Maggie Downs investigates some of the world’s most potent smells, looks at how odor cultivates a connection to place, and presents how humans engage with smells, from scents that have endured g … | Continue reading
1. If you give love, you will get love. But, no pressure—only if you want to! 2. Peace starts inside you. And if you can’t get it to start, I can give you mine instead. Would be happy to! 3. Love is the greatest gift, though I’m sure any gift from you would be amazing. And if you … | Continue reading
Hey man, welcome to our brewery. I’m gonna be your draft list today. The first thing you should know about me is this: I’m approachable. I believe beer is for everyone. If that means I’m a draft list without a single beer that tastes like beer, then hell yeah, brother—that’s what … | Continue reading
Though her family sometimes received food stamps and occasionally had their utilities cut off, Marcie Alvis Walker’s parents led her to believe that they were an average middle-class Black family. They encouraged her to pursue her dreams and told her that if she worked hard enoug … | Continue reading
Hello, It’s the Democrats. The 2044 election is fast approaching, and we need your support now more than ever. It is the most important election of our lifetimes. We know it feels like we’re always saying that this presidential election is the most important election of our lifet … | Continue reading
1. Spirit Week continues into perpetuity. No theme will ever be repeated, and your children will need unique costumes every day for the rest of their lives. 2. Out of nowhere, you have another child you have no memory of giving birth to. He’s in third grade, and tomorrow is the f … | Continue reading
Hi, I’m wondering if I could interest you in a brand-new sparkling water brand. I don’t have a name for it, because it doesn’t yet exist. Every aspect of this product is still very early in the planning stage. But I can assure you that the name will probably be something fun and … | Continue reading
Once there was a girl named Jenny. She was like all the other girls, especially for this one thing: she always wore a black hair tie around her wrist. There was a boy named Alfred in her class. This made sense, as names from the 1900s had cycled back into fashion. Alfred liked Je … | Continue reading
When COVID struck Rebecca Saltzman’s family, the virus unmasked a life-changing discovery: her husband and two of their kids had genetic heart disease. The kind where people drop dead. As their healthy wife and mother, Saltzman had a new role too—guiding her family through what S … | Continue reading
YOU’RE OVERDUE FOR A CLEANING! Jennifer at reception started having an affair with one of the dentists, and her husband will be storming into the office to confront them about it during your appointment. YOU’RE OVERDUE FOR A CLEANING! Our new latex gloves are churro-flavored. YOU … | Continue reading
I hear a lot of pie-in-the-sky utopian BS about education and equity and having an actual building that shields children from the elements. But when will parents and bleeding-heart liberals realize that the only way to save public education in this country is to turn every elemen … | Continue reading
In this column, Kristen Mulrooney writes letters to famous mothers from literature, TV, and film whom she finds herself relating to on a different level now that she’s a mom herself. - - - Dear Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen, Let me start by saying I would never doubt … | Continue reading
The temperature is climbing, the flowers are poking their little heads out of the dirt, and soon the sidewalk will be riddled with nothing but exposed feet. Yes, feet season is coming. It’s time to prepare. It’s likely been a while since you’ve seen any feet up close, including y … | Continue reading
Well met, hale wanderer! You have journeyed through the Fiendish Greenwood, over the Sea of Knives, and across the Barren Plains of Evermore to reach the citadel ahead: the Academy of Arcane Knowledge! Owing to my ragged cloak and even more ragged beard, you no doubt believe I am … | Continue reading
Do Say: “Whoa, where is Uncle Tony?” Everyone will be saying this, so you’ll fit right in. Don’t Say: “He’s in a better place now.” Ordinarily, this would be a fine thing to say at a wake, but the context will make this land a little different. Yes, odds are, wherever his remains … | Continue reading
Orignally published April 10, 2020 - - - Hey there, I’m Jesus Christ, the Son of God. I know things look bad for me right now, but I’m gonna be back in a few days, and when I return, I want all the eggs hidden. And I want the eggs to have candy in them. And I want all the kids in … | Continue reading
In this column, professional speechwriter Chandler Dean provides partly satirical, partly genuine “How To” advice focused on a hyper-specific subcategory of speeches—from graduation speeches to wedding toasts to eulogies, and all the rhetorical occasions in between. - - - It’s an … | Continue reading
Hi, Jesus. It’s Pop. Just got your message. Sorry I missed you yesterday. It was kind of wild around her. A good Friday it was not. You wouldn’t believe everything going on with this farkakte universe. Expanding and expanding and expanding, we can’t keep up! And all these bad thi … | Continue reading
“Romances have a setting; I had only intervened to place myself well. Mainly, I spotted the precise trouble of being a woman ahead of time, tried to surf it instead of letting it drown me on principle. I had grown bored of discussions of fair and unfair, equal or unequal, and pre … | Continue reading
“Trump’s newest venture? A $60 Bible. His Bible sales pitch comes as he appears to be confronting a significant financial squeeze, with his legal fees growing while he fights a number of criminal cases and lawsuits.” — New York Times - - - Genesis Adam calls his banishment from t … | Continue reading
Mai Tran began catsitting in 2021 while Tran was on pandemic unemployment, often staying overnight in people’s homes. Tran has now cared for twenty-two cats and traveled to ten apartments all over New York City, observing the interior lives of cat owners and appeasing their neuro … | Continue reading
First person to go to space First person to walk on the moon First person to wait in the ship while other astronauts walked on the moon President Vice president Former president (non-disgraced) Decorated general National hero Local hero Singer of “Anti-Hero” Flew around the world … | Continue reading
Dear Students — I am sorry to say that I will need to cancel all classes for an indeterminate length of time while I work on doing my job. I realize you think that teaching is my job, but there are many other aspects to being a professor. In the unlikely event that you are curiou … | Continue reading
I was browsing the death literature the other day, and you know what they’re saying? It’s all about grip strength. It’s inversely correlated with mortality, meaning the stronger your grip, the longer you live. Yeah, you’ve been clenching all the wrong stuff. This got me thinking … | Continue reading
This Agreement is entered into between You, a Person Who Enjoys In-Person Entertainment (hereinafter “Fan”), and Me, an Introvert Who Avoids Crowds, Noise, and Congregated Delight (“Non-fan”), as a condition of Non-Fan’s attendance at a Live Musical Event (“Event”). RECITALS1 WHE … | Continue reading
GARY BUSEY: They’ve robbed twenty-six banks in three years. And all we know about them is one thing: They’re surfers. You need to learn to surf, infiltrate the local scene, and find out exactly who these guys are. ME: Great. I’ll get a boogie board. GARY: What? No! They won’t acc … | Continue reading
Hey there, it’s me. The CamelBak you bought in 2012 before a post-grad backpacking adventure. Remember that? You used to show me off to all your friends. I was a twenty-five-ounce, dishwasher-safe piece of proof of your commitment to the environment. You used to take me on trips. … | Continue reading
Agnes Callard is among the world’s most famous living philosophers, and certainly the one most likely to trend on your social media feed for a hot take or ill-advised poll (most recently, “Would you prefer to live the life of a slave owner, or the life of a slave?”) The Universit … | Continue reading
CHARLIE BROWN: Hey, Lucy. What’re you doing? LUCY: I’m going to kill my mother, Charlie Brown. CHARLIE BROWN: Why would you do something like that? LUCY: Because the land stinks, Charlie Brown. Nothing but sin grows down here—that’s why folks are so religious. And I figure it doe … | Continue reading
Read Act I - - - “Good Thing Going” (Merrily We Roll Along): You’re a hugger, and you look at everyone’s Instagram stories no matter how long it’s been since you last spoke. You can name all five original members of the Rat Pack. “Liaisons” (A Little Night Music): You have a clos … | Continue reading
The Wong-Baker Pain Rating Scale Adjusted for Ghostbusting | Continue reading
Been There, Smelled That explores the aromas of places around the world. Travel writer Maggie Downs investigates some of the world’s most potent smells, looks at how odor cultivates a connection to place, and presents how humans engage with smells, from scents that have endured g … | Continue reading
“Senators push to declassify TikTok intel and hold a public hearing ahead of ban vote.” — NPR, 3/21/24 - - - Fellow Senators, I implore you to vote yes on this bill to ban TikTok, a social media platform that threatens to throw our extremely normal media ecosystem into chaos. We … | Continue reading
Prior to my adventure, I am assigned a primitive survival rating (PSR) by a team of experts. I have never been camping or hunting, and if I have to pee while hiking, I will turn around and drive forty-five minutes into town to a public restroom. Even so, I have combat skills and … | Continue reading
Dear White Person Who Just Found Out I’m Puerto Rican, I’m Puerto Rican, and that’s going to come up in conversation with me. The reveal could look like a few different things, including an anecdote about my father, a comment about race, or a warning for you to stop saying the th … | Continue reading
When do you start calling the person you are dating “babe”? Psychologist and philosopher William James called this the single greatest question about human relationships. Thinkers and scientists have studied the issue relentlessly, and here are their findings. On the first date: … | Continue reading